Exploring our Relationship with Money
Money can be an important tool for autonomy
Money is one of the most loaded topics in our lives. Money is not just about a salary or numbers in our bank account; money is intrinsically linked to our sense of safety, identity and sometimes even our self-worth.
Money can be an important tool for autonomy, security and access, but it can also become a source of fear, comparison and silent pressure.
The relationship we have with money, especially if it’s a complicated or negative one, can quietly shape the way we see ourselves and interact with others, keeping us trapped in cycles of anxiety and survival mode. Understanding these dynamics is the first step towards creating a healthier relationship with money.
When money equals self-worth
One of the most challenging patterns around money is the belief that our value as a person is tied to what we earn or our material possessions. Modern culture feeds this story daily: social media is constantly telling us to hustle more, buy more and showcase our wealth.
When self-worth gets tangled up with wealth, people often feel “never enough.” Even financial success doesn’t bring peace, because there’s always another milestone to chase. This creates a constant background hum of stress that keeps the nervous system in overdrive.
Scarcity thinking = never feeling safe
Another common thought pattern around money is scarcity thinking; the fear that there is never enough or that we may not be able to improve our situation. For some, this comes from lived experiences of financial insecurity. For others, this message is absorbed from what we’re told by the people, media and advertising around us.
Scarcity thinking can manifest in many different ways. It could look like hoarding and withholding money, never feeling secure despite what is held on to. It can also look like extravagant overspending when a person feels compelled to use up money as soon as they have it, soothing their anxiety through an accumulation of things. However scarcity thinking may manifest, the nervous system is stuck in survival mode, unable to relax into a sense of safety. Ironically, even when resources are available, the body still reacts as though danger is around the corner.
The cycle of shame and avoidance
Money can carry an enormous amount of shame. People often avoid opening bills, checking accounts or talking openly about finances because it feels too confronting. The more money discussions avoided, the bigger and scarier the problem becomes.
This cycle of shame and avoidance reinforces itself: fear leads to avoidance, avoidance leads to stress, and stress deepens feelings of failure, frustration and a lack of safety. Breaking this cycle requires both practical steps and a compassionate look at what money beliefs are fuelling the cycle.
Money as a source of conflict
It’s no surprise that money is one of the leading causes of conflict in relationships. When couples or families carry different money stories, beliefs and behaviours, clashes are inevitable.
Money can create power imbalances in relationships. Money is a tangible asset that can make people give greater priority to paid work over lesser paid or unpaid (but equally important) work. This power imbalance can be the source of conflict as individual contributions to a relationship, family and/or household can be judged and critiqued, furthering the feelings of fear, shame and avoidance that can come with money, and spiralling conversations into blame or defensiveness rather than connection and problem-solving.
A nervous system approach
Many of our money habits and beliefs are wired into the autonomic nervous system (ANS) - the body’s autopilot. The primary function of the ANS is to keep us safe by reacting to threats and danger; however it can also default to old patterns that may have helped us in the past, but are no longer working. Many of us may experience this as heightened stress when budgeting, anxiety when discussing pay rates or the ever-constant drive to be earning more.
By working with the nervous system rather than against it, we can begin to update these patterns. Practices that engage the vagus nerve (the body’s main communication pathway) help to build a sense of trust and safety. From this place, new and healthier money stories can emerge, transforming stress into empowerment.
Healing the money relationship
The good news is that it is possible to address and shift problematic money beliefs. Healing begins with awareness: we can start by noticing the stories we carry about money and how they shape our feelings and behaviours.
Therapeutic approaches can help uncover the roots of money-related stress and create the safety needed to release old patterns, whether they stem from childhood experiences, social conditioning or unresolved trauma. Equally important is building a sense of internal safety. When the nervous system feels calm and regulated, we are more open to dialogue about money and implementing new and healthier financial habits.
Through therapeutic dialogue and exploration, we can learn to address and move past internal finance conflict, release money beliefs and habits that no longer serve us, build a safe relationship with money and approach money with feelings of empowerment.
At its core, money should be a tool that supports our households and the activities we want to pursue, not be a measure of our worth or a point of comparison in relationships. Untangling toxic money beliefs and exploring the change that is possible allows people to step into a freer and more positive relationship with themselves and their resources.
Ready to begin?
Bel offers a free 15-minute consultation to help people explore whether her approach is the right fit. She knows that change is possible and all of us have the potential to unhook from the past and step into a freer, brighter future.
